Relationships and Cash
comments | Posted in thoughts on Monday, September 24 2007 14:37:00 GMT
Intro
Smith and Frank were over with their wives Lisa and Mary for my roommates birthday celebration. An interesting tale of marriage life arose.
My friend Smith recently got a new computer chair for $350.00. While at the store his wife Lisa said that he could get the new computer chair, IF she got a new computer desk. Similarly, my friend Frank recently got some books for school, and his wife Mary said that he could get this library of books if she could get a few dvds at the store.
Question
Where does this idea of being owed cash / gifts / stuff come from when one partner is buying something at the store? We all see this happen every day around us.
Analysis
In these relationships I think that the income is 1-sided. One person makes the lions share of the monthly income:
- for Smith and Lisa the ratio is near 9:1
- for Frank and Mary the ratio is near 3:1
The wives explained that their husbands were allowed to spend the cash as long as they were allowed equal-valued purchases when they went out. This strikes me as odd for a few reasons: 1. marriage is a equal union between 2 people. 1. this includes financial equality -- that both parties must be equal contributors to the cost of living: rent, food and pleasures. 2. if the income earner owes the other person restitution for their personal purchases; what can Mary do for Frank when she buys $100 cd player for herself? 1. answer: nothing? what can they give back if they hardly make enough money for their own spending? Take this to an extreme. If Frank dies, then Mary inherits a large sum of money. what if Mary dies first? What does Frank get??? ... a whole lot of nothing. That is not fair. Mary is not considering in the long run her best actions for her partner.
Overview
The issues here are many. Marriage is between 2 adults.
Adults should understand how to be self sufficient thru: gainful employment being responsible and finding responsibilities to uphold within a household have good money management skills be active in finding leisure activities and projects todo [even group activities in the community at large: tennis, swimming, art museums ... whatever]
Being self sufficient is a good thing. Everyone needs some time to themselves at times. And, although no one wants to think about it ... your special someone will not always be there for you. People die, at some point you will be alone. Having these skills are crucial for yourself, and your partner to survive in this life (both when happily together, and eventually apart)!
If a responsible adult doesn't consider these things for themselves then they won't be able to consider these things when in a relationship with somebody else. And then issues like money will make the relationship more one-sided. It's simply unfair for 1 person to do all the work, to do all the chores, to pay all the bills, do all the shopping. Relationships are about working together to be together. Ignoring these issues can cause feelings to build up over time, and be bad in the long run.
Adults should plan for the future, including housing, kids, income level, educational opportunities, healthcare, life-insurance; and try to always think in the best interest of both parties (or the family).